Im a 20 yr old virgin terrified of sex, feel gross, and don’t know what to do now?

So this is gonna be long because I myself am just confused about everything and I feel like I just need to type it all out anyways. Also I made this throwaway account because as you’ll find out, talking about sex is embarrassing for me. Anyways, I’m 20F and in college and still a Virgin.

I always said that I wanted to wait until I had a boyfriend to have sex just because the thought of having sex is scary and vulnerable to me and always has been. My mom is very open about sex but she will never hear anything about my dating life because having my close friends, sister, and parents know that I have a reproductive system would just make me cringe.

My dad on the other hand is more of the “I don’t care what you do as long as you are safe and never tell me about it” type. My sister very openly talks about sex with me as well as my best friend, and for the most part, I don’t get super uncomfortable when they talk, especially if someone I don’t know that well (like girls I know from college) is talking or joking about sex, it feels like everything is fine and I don’t feel weird. Also, for background, I was sexually assaulted/molested? once when I was very young and my dad kinda heard about it and asked me and I denied everything because I was scared.

I think that maybe the reason that I’m so uncomfortable with sex is because it feels like I found out about sex at a very young age and knew it was something I wasn’t supposed to know yet. I see a therapist for general anxiety but every time I feel like I can really open up and tell her about this problem, I once again get embarrassed and can’t get the words out. I’m cringing even typing this next part so ew but it’s not that I don’t want to have sex, like I think if I was able to get super comfortable with someone and start dating them, I would want to, but that seems like an impossible task since it’s hard for me to get close to people and it’s also not really what college guys would be interested in.

I have been fingered twice by two different people in a drunk hookup situation, one of them being last night and I didn’t really feel scared at all while it was happening but then I woke up and felt disgusting and regretful and like the exact opposite of horny like so gross. There is no real reason for me wanting to wait like no strict morals about sex it’s nothing like that but part of me is mad at myself because I always said I would wait and I feel like I’ve kind of betrayed that part of myself.

The other part of me thinks that maybe the more sexual experiences I have, the more I can get used to it. I’ll try to wrap it up but I think it’s also important to mention that I’m typically horrible with guys like I never know how to act or the way to play the game or date or whatever I just get boy crazy and obsess over boys and then immediately get the ick and lose interest.

I could probably say so much more because I’ve been holding this in for a while as you can probably tell but I basically just want some advice as to if any of this is normal or how to fix it and be more comfortable I just don’t know and I don’t know how to talk about it with anyone.

tech-dick.com Rotating Vibrating Masturbator for Men.